Tour 3

In just fifteen minutes I'll be boarding a plane to Haiti. This is going to be my third time flying into Haiti and yet still I feel a bit uneasy. This time is already much different than the last two times. The first time, I was full of anxiety and excitement. I was with my friend Chris and we were both just so excited to be sharing such an incredible adventure together. We were nervous, but we were together. Neither of us had a clue of what to expect and there's no way I thought I'd be staying as long as I did and then returning back for a third time.

The second time was lonely. I sat in the airport eager to be either back at home with family and friends or in Haiti. The anxiety was unreal as I returned the second time. Maybe it was because I wasn't sure I had a ride from the airport. Maybe because I had just committed to something huge and real and scary. Maybe it was because it was one of the first times I have felt so alive and full in a long long time. I wasn't sure I was making the "right" decision but I was positive it wasn't wrong.

So now I sit here in San Francisco International Airport. Enough time to enjoy a beer. So many good days with my family and friends behind me and uncertain days ahead. I don't really like to admit fear, so I usually just pretend like it doesn't even exist with me. Even at dinner tonight with my mom, the server asked if I had the Al Capone syndrome, needing to see the front door at all times. I responded with, "I'm not scared of no one" and sat with my back to the door.

Spending time with my little niece Chloe has been revealing as well. She's fearless. She walks off the couch not knowing if anyone is going to catch her. She doesn't care. She walks up to dogs triple her size and hit/pets them. Not a worry in sight. She's bold, she's fearless, she's confident. She waves at strangers like they're family; doesn't care that they're not. Why is this all revealing? There's been numerous times my mom has called me fearless and even more now that Chloe is around. They say I was just like her when I was her size. Never scared of anything. Ran into the lake cause my brothers doing it...never mind that I didn't know how to swim and was only 3. I didn't cry when I broke my arm in half. No tears when I lost my mom at Disneyland only to find her worried out of her mind once she found me. I had walked up to a strange man and asked him to help me find my mom. I had lost her, I said. He did. We found her. I frequently walked up to little kids on the playground to ask if they wanted to be my friend. No, not play with me, be- my- friend. Let's just cut to the chase right?

So anyways, I wish I was as fearless as I used to be. I wish I didn't have butterflies in my stomach and that I was just bold and confident and well, I'm not. Hopefully that makes it more real and worthwhile. I mean, the sun doesn't shine as bright without the rain right?

All this to say, thanks to you all... my family, my friends. I'm far more confident than I would be alone. So thank you again. I love you all. If you pray, please pray. If you send energy full of love and peace, please do that. If you just think about me, I'd love that too.

I could never do this without your gracious loving words and thoughts. Meci. Meci anpil.

christina

fini

It's all over. My reason for coming to Haiti has now closed down and I'm out of a job. We were told at a Thursday morning meeting that the hospital would be closing on Saturday afternoon. We all knew it would close eventually and initially the end of July was thrown around as an option but nothing ever seemed set in stone because other much later dates were also thrown around. The meeting was short and quick but terribly sad. I almost lost it a couple of times but as I looked around, everyone was stoic. No one looked like they were truly upset or at any kind of loss for what to do next. It was strange. I mean I know they were but they definitely didn't show it.

Afterwards, I was talking to a couple of them and I asked them what they would do now. None of them had a clue of what to do. Not a clue. Some of the people that work at the hospital are skilled. Some are nurses, they'll hopefully be able to find jobs eventually. The translators will also be okay seeing that there's so many NGO's out here needing translating skills. My problem is with Manouschka. She cleans our hospital washes our sheets makes our beds mops the floors and she's gonna have a shitty shitty time finding a job now. She also happens to be a single mother taking care of Jonas and a few months ago she decided to start taking care of Williamson full time. Williamson has had my heart since the moment I met him. He was abandoned 3 years ago and only since staying with Jonas and Manouschka does he seem happy and alive and like a little boy. He has one of the most generous hearts I've ever met. He's offered me food when he's obviously limited in what he has, he's split candy with me, he's taken food that was gifted to him and split it with Jonas before Jonas even had a chance to ask for it. He's incredible. Anyways, Manouschka and the boys have been living in a tent behind the hospital for a while now. From what I can understand she doesn't have a slab to live on but she has a tent and a space to put it for a while. She's staying with a friend for a while because she's no longer allowed to live on the property but obviously, none of these options are sustainable for her right now. Before I left, I gave her number to one of the people at HODR to possible help her get her name on a list for some temporary shelter. Regardless, it's tough to be in Haiti seeking shelter during a tropical thunder storm and not think of that family.

Another family I love is Natascha and Emily. Emily was abandoned the day after her mom gave birth to her at our hospital. Mom said she had to go to the bathroom so she went outside and just never came back. Emily was born 2 months early and had respiratory issues from the beginning. It's a miracle she lived at all seeing that there had to be shifts of people helping her breathe through the first night she was alive. Natascha lives with her two brothers mom and Emily in a teeny tiny house/tent. Their house has some structural damage and since they're scared to sleep in the house they made a tent thing attached to it. She was the primary income for that house and now she's unemployed. I asked her if she's looked for work elsewhere and she said yes but nowhere is hiring right now.

Most of the people who worked at the hospital help support their families and although some have saved money, when you get paid $10 a day, I'm sure it's hard to be hopeful about the future of your family.

As I walked home from the hospital on Saturday afternoon I was stopped by a bunch of people. A couple of the women who live on the street gave me beautiful gifts to say thanks for all I had done. Another couple of women stopped me to ask me if it was true that the hospital was fini. I had to say yes. They responded with,

"Christina, what are we going to do now?" I said I don't know. I said try other clinics. I said I'm so so sorry. It was awful. It was so sad.

So there you go. I can't explain this sadness to you. I wont say this to brag at all but I've been at that hospital more consistently than anyone else. I spend 3 months of my life pouring my heart and soul into loving and healing patients. 3 months of seeing sick babies and sick women and dying old men and cut up little boys. 3 months of learning Creole and sewing up wounds and smiling at malnourished children. It was my heart and soul and I called it home.

I was supposed to stay until October and yet I fear my trip has been cut short. I'm heading home right now to surprise my brother and spend time with my family. This vacation was only supposed to last 2 weeks but now it may be permanent. I don't know where I'll end up next but I know that these next 2 weeks are essential to restoring my soul. My heart has been ripped to shreds by my time in Haiti and so being home with family is the only thing that I wanna do.

I'll update again when I have a better idea of what my life will look like for the next few months. I'm sure it will be glorious and I'm sure it will be exactly what my soul needs but for right now I feel a little lost and without much direction.