Tour 3

In just fifteen minutes I'll be boarding a plane to Haiti. This is going to be my third time flying into Haiti and yet still I feel a bit uneasy. This time is already much different than the last two times. The first time, I was full of anxiety and excitement. I was with my friend Chris and we were both just so excited to be sharing such an incredible adventure together. We were nervous, but we were together. Neither of us had a clue of what to expect and there's no way I thought I'd be staying as long as I did and then returning back for a third time.

The second time was lonely. I sat in the airport eager to be either back at home with family and friends or in Haiti. The anxiety was unreal as I returned the second time. Maybe it was because I wasn't sure I had a ride from the airport. Maybe because I had just committed to something huge and real and scary. Maybe it was because it was one of the first times I have felt so alive and full in a long long time. I wasn't sure I was making the "right" decision but I was positive it wasn't wrong.

So now I sit here in San Francisco International Airport. Enough time to enjoy a beer. So many good days with my family and friends behind me and uncertain days ahead. I don't really like to admit fear, so I usually just pretend like it doesn't even exist with me. Even at dinner tonight with my mom, the server asked if I had the Al Capone syndrome, needing to see the front door at all times. I responded with, "I'm not scared of no one" and sat with my back to the door.

Spending time with my little niece Chloe has been revealing as well. She's fearless. She walks off the couch not knowing if anyone is going to catch her. She doesn't care. She walks up to dogs triple her size and hit/pets them. Not a worry in sight. She's bold, she's fearless, she's confident. She waves at strangers like they're family; doesn't care that they're not. Why is this all revealing? There's been numerous times my mom has called me fearless and even more now that Chloe is around. They say I was just like her when I was her size. Never scared of anything. Ran into the lake cause my brothers doing it...never mind that I didn't know how to swim and was only 3. I didn't cry when I broke my arm in half. No tears when I lost my mom at Disneyland only to find her worried out of her mind once she found me. I had walked up to a strange man and asked him to help me find my mom. I had lost her, I said. He did. We found her. I frequently walked up to little kids on the playground to ask if they wanted to be my friend. No, not play with me, be- my- friend. Let's just cut to the chase right?

So anyways, I wish I was as fearless as I used to be. I wish I didn't have butterflies in my stomach and that I was just bold and confident and well, I'm not. Hopefully that makes it more real and worthwhile. I mean, the sun doesn't shine as bright without the rain right?

All this to say, thanks to you all... my family, my friends. I'm far more confident than I would be alone. So thank you again. I love you all. If you pray, please pray. If you send energy full of love and peace, please do that. If you just think about me, I'd love that too.

I could never do this without your gracious loving words and thoughts. Meci. Meci anpil.

christina